I often struggle with, “how much is too much to put on the internet?” This is my life, and while it’s nice to keep some things private, I developed a unique combination of transparency/ not caring who knows but also to never do something that you wouldn’t be okay with everyone knowing. I hear what you’re saying- that’s kind of backwards thinking- But growing up, it helped me develop the line between good and bad things to do and words to say. What would hurt people, and what I’d be able to look my mom in the face and admit to her. Would my actions make those I love proud? Or would they look at me in shame?
I have been on the verge of writing this post for the last two months. The truth is that I’ve kept quiet because I’ve come to believe this is something to be dealt with privately- and it was, until now.
So here I am, sitting in the bathtub, computer propped up on the toilet, exchanging words on this paper for another chug of the wine bottle, listening to fierce Beyonce breakup songs (no, not Lemonade, I’m not there yet and please don’t spoil it for me).
I just had my heart broken. Not just banged up a bit, have a good night’s sleep and wake up in the morning ready to step forward with your life kind of broken- I mean the “ugly cry, think you’re unworthy of love, question every decision you’ve ever made, vow to figure out whatever has made you so fucked up and fix it, let it change the way you are in the world, lay in bed for two days, wonder how someone you loved and loved you so deeply could disrespect you by getting you just in the place that they know you’re weak over, wonder what made you so goddamn unlovable, question love and people’s possession of it at all” kind of broken heart. If that’s you- I hope you find some comfort in my words and know that if you ever need someone to say them to you, I would be happy to.
In all of my time watching Grey’s Anatomy as background noise- I did once hear loud and clearly:
“Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He’s very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are.”
Today is the day that I stop freely giving in to a man who cannot find a single reason to love me.
Caves are dark. You said that to me once. And while it was funny for a long time, our little joke, it’s so awfully true. I have so many things I want to say to you, but I will try to keep it as simple as I can (which we both know is not simple at all). What you did cut me in a very insecure place, and as angry and hurt as I have been the last few days and how I have taken that out on you- that is something I am ashamed about. Even as much as I want to take a baseball bat to your stomach right now to make you feel a quarter of the nausea I’ve been experiencing- I ultimately just want love for you. Perhaps the most beautiful thing to come from my time out here and away from you is my relationship with Christ- and how he absolutely changed me. The anger and hurt I felt/feel, as soon as it happened, felt so far from the love I have been experiencing that I became disgusted in myself for giving in and letting that take a hold over me… I am not the person I once was. I only wish you would have gotten the chance to meet the captivating and charismatic woman you first fell in love with. I did some awful things to you in the time we shared together, and for those, I truly hope one day that you do forgive me and know that to hurt someone, especially you, who I care so much for- was never my intention.
I messed up and I messed you up. I have forgiven and made peace with my actions and am (obviously) now dealing with those consequences. There are certainly some things I do not adore about you, and I sincerely hope you get the help that you need to be better from those things. You are more than the man you let yourself become sometimes. I know I have made you feel less in moments, (which makes total sense that you would want to get away from the person who knows your faults and isn’t always careful about pulling at those seams- it makes sense that you would gravitate to someone who doesn’t know you and sees you as a shiny diamond find) but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart- that I have forgiven you of your past, accepted you as you are, and supported your potential. To me, you have always been the brightest and best diamond I’ve found. I’m sorry I mistreated you. I am not always the greatest wielder of the love I have to give and desire to share- but I want you to know that in my heart I believe you are a good person and beyond all of the bullshit, this was worth it (or, at least that’s what I am telling myself).
I used to fear life without you, but I can honestly admit that I no longer do. I am falling absolutely head over heels for someone new- and that is myself. I am proud of the adventures and risks and chances I’m taking, the things I am discovering about myself, and feeling God truly govern my life and take me to the places and hearts he wants to see touched. The thing He is telling me over and over is that my past does not define me, and now looking back, I can only see how each of those things lead me to this place and crafted me to be the person that I am. I am still working through some things, but I have never felt so confident to go into the world each morning and step into the plans He has for me. I want that for you. I pray you feel God’s touch in your life and that your heart is so radically changed and remade for Him- that you will have the courage to leave the things that hinder you and keep you from His overwhelming love, and you will walk bravely into the beautiful life he has waiting for you.
I hope one day that I will see you again. I hope one day that I will again see you as one of the most beautiful people I have ever met- and to not think of you as one of the ugliest, as I do in this moment. I hope you have the courage to one day tell me how you feel without being asked, if you ever feel differently than you do right now. I wrote twenty-six letters for when I came back… I don’t know whether to burn them or send them- but they were never meant for me. And as much as I am letting go, a small part of me will always be holding on. You meant the world over to me, and I loved you fiercely. I know that I will eventually forgive you, and I hope to look fondly on the memories we made together and the season of my life that you helped hold me up through. Thank you.
I’ve noticed you have a thing with writing letters. In fact, you’ve written this specific one a thousand different times in your head, in a thousand different ways. And with all of the words in the English language, you’re still falling short of the right ones.
The first letter I wrote to you was a very drunk piece chronicling 12 pages and titled, ‘fuck you.’ I did not have very nice things to say. While it was funny and freeing to read it back- it was all too mean and rough for sharing, or for you to get any more out of it than a good laugh (don’t be mad, I know you could really use that too).
You sat in a coffee shop outside of work today writing a letter to a boy who broke you. A man who has been beyond kind to you since the day you arrived in Vegas, came up to sit beside you as he often has. Maybe I do carry a sadness with me, a weight- or maybe he’s just one of those people in the world that you trust the moment you meet them. He asked me how my weekend was and what I was doing, and without qualm I told him an unrestricted summary.
What came next caught me a little off-guard. He said to me, “I’m sorry. We men are just so dumb. And women are crazy. You have to find the dumb you like and they have to love the crazy you are. But you know what I really like about you- you are so pure.” Pure. That is how he described me. Let me tell you- Pure is not the word that should have been shared with me. I have relayed to this man countless stupid and silly things I’ve done, I’ve bullshitted around him, and relayed my history- and yet, pure was the word he chose. I laughed it off at first, but then I thought about it. I collected the dozens of times that others have said that about me- and I realized he was talking about my heart. He was talking about my intentions, and the love I have for the people of this world.
Laura, please accept that. I know that you do not always see yourself as that person- but I see you as that. You are a bottomless well of love. That is my favorite thing about you.
Now, I want you to stop saying sorry. I want you to say sorry when it’s appropriate, but I do not want you to say it more than once. Please stop apologizing. You will ceaselessly work to make things better, and if your actions are not enough for someone to forgive you- your words will definitely not be. I am exhausted of seeing you explain what it looks like to look at your mom in a casket and know that someone else is wearing her eyes- and exactly how much that changes you. Stop apologizing for the past you accepted. You have made peace with it and it is not under your ability to do that for other people.
I know a large part of you wishes you could erase the last five months of pursuing someone’s heart and the pain you have caused yourself on that behalf. I hope one day you are able to read this and forgive that man who broke you. That man you prayed for every morning and night. I know how you held onto every kiss and intimate moment you shared- how that was so special to you. How you kept his empty promises and held them close as a confirmation that the waiting and work you were doing would be worth it for you both. You poured out your soul to someone you trusted- and then you sat back as he devoured you in your most vulnerable place- your biggest insecurity. Nothing that boy could do could have brought you more pain.
You are not defined by his actions and mistakes. Please stop blaming yourself for what someone else chose to do. There is nothing more you could have done. You kept your promises, and you are not in control of others keeping theirs. You cannot possess someone else. You spent five months chasing someone who only needed to stop and wait for you to catch up. Please forgive yourself that he chose to not be a part of that. One day, I sincerely pray that you no longer feel like a fool for all of this. For every conversation you had with his roommates and friends and said that you didn’t mind sticking around (*hopeful smile)- and now you can’t help but think when you’re thought of, it’s tagged with words like: *dumb, *foolish, *silly, *got her. I don’t think you are any of those things, Laura, because I know you would pursue hearts to the very end.
Yes, he replaced you- but you are not replaceable. Someday, someone will look at you and see you for the beautiful masterpiece that you are. They will see your history, and the hard parts of life you’ve endured- and they will look at you and hurt over all of your suffering, and in that same look they will see the absolutely captivating person who has been formed and made better. That person will hurt you- but they will do their absolute best to continue to pursue your heart, seek your forgiveness, and continue the joy of a relationship with you. That person will undoubtedly believe you are worth it. There will be times when your crazy will catch up with you- but they will know you have the best of intentions. There is a person out there who wants nothing more than your happiness and to be in your atmosphere- caught in your orbit.
Laura, please forgive yourself that you gave all of body, heart and soul to a person who did not reciprocate. That is what I want most for you, to accept that this mistake, was an okay one to make. You stayed too long, and gave more heart and time than you should have- but that does not make you less. I still love you. The God who created you, still claims you as His- and he is delighted every day that you chose him too.
I don’t know what to wish for that boy- even when you read this months from now, you will still likely remain undecided. I can’t tell if I wish that one day he realizes how much he missed out on life with me or that he never thinks of me again. But I want you to accept that you don’t have a right to know that. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter anyway. He will never have the courage or desire to say one thing or another to you.
“He was gone and the coldness of it was his final gift- and there’s no other tale to tell.”
I love you, Laura. I love you so incredibly much. I am in awe of the life you live and the adventures you pursue and the hard work you put in and that part of your soul you give away to make it happen. I hope you keep changing, but I never want to see that part of you get away.